Have you ever lost your best friend? The person who was the closest to you, who you could call at anytime of the day, to share whatever, even if it was just to laugh about something stupid you did... You can't share that with anyone else because they wouldn't really understand just how funny it was, or how it relates to past experiences... you would have to sit the new person down, explain everything, and then share the experience, and by the time you do the experience is no longer funny. Losing a friend, that is something I would never wish on any person.
It's so hard. It hurts. Especially if the friendship is irrepairable... Something happened, that can't be taken back, and that neither side can fix. Forgiveness has been given and accepted, but the friendship is gone, everything. But it's hard, because now you have no one to laugh at yourself with, or so it seems. Maybe I made the mistake of making my best friend a guy, for some reason we just could always get along. We could say the hardest things to each other, and even if we hung up the phone or walked away, the next day we would come back together, pick up the phone again, whichever, and talk it all out.
It was one of those friendships, the really rare kinds, that you don't find too often. And when you do you want to hold on for dear life. Because you feel like, through all of the chaos this world is throwing at you, some other person out there feels the same way you do, and whatsmore, can help bring a little sanity into the mix. You feel like you finally have some common ground with someone else, and it's refreshing. Almost like you can breathe a bit easier now, knowing that you're not completely alone... whether it's in your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, trials, struggles, pain, burdens, any of it, or all of it, you are no longer alone.
Aren't those instant, fast friendships incredible? They just brighten up the day, even if it's a thunder storm, and the sun appears to be millions of miles away, somehow you still feel warm inside, and it's not a romantic love, but that friendship love, that brotherly love, that thing which you have been craving... it's finally yours. We all crave romantic love too, but brotherly love is something I feel like we truly can't live without. Romance is hard to live without, but it's doable, whereas if we didn't have brotherly love, I feel like we would be a much more depressed and lonely people here on this earth. We have God's amazing, unconditional love, and I think that's why He created brotherly love, He knew we'd need it... not as much as His, but still a little. Maybe.
And I guess that's kind of encouraging, knowing that we can never lose the love that we truly need to survive, God's Love. But it doesn't make losing a brotherly love of a friend any easier. I miss my friend. I miss being able to call him at two in the morning just to laugh about a funny dream or thought I just had. Just to be able to wake him up and wish him a "happy birthday," even if he is irritable and grumpy that I woke him before noon. It's being able to cry to him, knowing that he doesn't judge my tears or the choices that caused them. It's him being able to cry to me. It's knowing each other so well that we can finish each other's thoughts and sentences, and we can answer each other's questions before they are even asked. It's going out to get donuts at three in the morning just to have an excuse to walk in the peace that comes before the dawning of the day. It's sneaking out of cabins to lay in a field in the middle of the mountains just to look at stars, and make a few wishes. It's knowing that he knows everything about me, the good, the bad, the pain, the joy, he knows it all, and whatsmore he's been through a lot of it with me... has helped me get through a lot of it as well.
He knows my fears and my dreams. He's seen me as I've grown, and I've seen him. Maybe this is starting to sound like some epic romantic love story, but it's not like that... at least not for me. He's just been the best friend I've really ever had. He's always known when something was wrong with me, has called, just to make sure that I was ok, and if I needed to talk and vent for four hours, he was more than happy to just sit and listen.
But this is all how he used to be... We didn't talk or see each other for over two years... met up with each other again this past summer, I've mentioned him before I think actually. The problem is that neither one of us acted like we had spent time a part, we just pretended almost like no time had passed... so everything that had happened in those two years we just overlooked, when really we shouldn't have. We should've taken some time to delve into each other's lives again.. or to just get to re-know each other. But we didn't...
The loss of a brotherly love, I must admit to be tragic. Why else would I cry? It's a pain to the heart, you will hurt in places you didn't even know you had. You'll wonder why you can't get out of bed in the morning and then it hits you anew, you're precious friend, who saw you through so much, is gone. And the worst part is, you immediately want to turn to someone, someone who can listen to you, who you can cry to, who knows every part of you, and you immediately think of going to that friend... And then fresh pain hits you anew, and tears you didn't know you had will show themselves. Generally they are silent, all of it is silent. The world doesn't see the pain of losing a brotherly love, but oh how the world would feel it if every brotherly love was gone!
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