A Matter of Solitaire

Have you ever won a game of solitaire on the computer, and then sat there, staring at the computer screen as the cards jumped, flew, and bounded off screen? I think everytime I see that, I think I've done something amazing, something so few have ever done before. I get that, look at me feeling, the one where you want people to know, you've done well at something. Isn't that ridiculous? I think it is... For the first time, ever, I haven't gotten that feeling. I watched the cards bounding, flying, jumping off the screen, and I didn't feel, anything, except maybe a bit numb. My eyes blurred, the numbers of the cards were unreadable, and my mind was somewhere else.

I used to be teased, still am actually, for passing time by playing solitaire. I used to play it all the time on my computer while trying to come up with something to write... trying to figure out how to put my thoughts onto paper... it always helped clear my head. Maybe this time it cleared it a little too much, because I didn't think anything. I didn't mind the teasing though, still don't, I like that that's what I do, and I think I just might like the fact that I didn't get a "look at me feeling" for the first time ever, maybe it will continue to be that way, maybe not... But it did give me something to write about.

I think the game of solitaire is properly named though, because it is a solitary activity. You can play it by yourself, or take turns, watch others, but it's still one person, one single, solitary soul. It's that person's decisions, guesses, mistakes, correct actions, that determine the outcome of the game. It's one mind, maybe two hands, that play... and whatever that person uses to see.

Seeing is an interesting thing though, because sometimes things aren't what they at first appear. A card can easily be misplaced, a game can easily be lost, and a heart can easily be crushed, when people cannot see. I don't know how I started a post about solitaire and ended it with love, but there you have it. Love isn't a game. It isn't something to be played with, it is a part of life. There are many parts of love, there's the friendship, the brothership, the loveship, the undescribableship; all of which are different forms of love, and, because of which, are parts of life.

Life is so fragile, and so fleeting, I think if we aren't faced with a life or death scenario, where it all comes down to one action, one wrong move, and a life is ended, if we aren't faced with that, we never truly see just how fleetingly fragile life here can be. Is, actually. Well, now I've turned philosophical, so I think I'll turn in for the night.

A Tragic Matter

How are people able to smile after tragedy? The Jews in the concentration camps, the one's who lived through it all, how were they able to enjoy life again? To not be haunted by terrible memories, would that ever happen?

Do you have to find an old barn, filled with old books, read old stories, to escape an old past? A place in which you can curl up in a corner, escape from the world for a while, in order to escape from your own nightmares? I wouldn't mind that... I wouldn't mind that at all...

To watch other people, knowing that their lives will never be the same again, because their eyes have seen tragedy and their hearts have felt it, it's hard, it's so hard.

I want to curl up in a corner, to read a different life, to live a different story, just to get away from mine.. and the saddest part is, there isn't anything to get away from. Yes, it's hard sometimes, and yes, it's not perfect, but it's life.

Is life not beautiful, even though it's hard... is that why people can smile again?... even if it's not right away, eventually they can, because eventually they see life as beautiful again. Because it never really stopped being beautiful, it was just another side of the beauty, that you can't see, not right away, and sometimes not ever, but it is, it's beautiful, because God created it. Life. It may not always be a happy word, but it is one of hope, i dare say, "life" is a word of hope.

A Matter of Troubled Times

This year has been a year of first times for me. Some good, some not. The most recent first time for me was my little brother was admitted to the hospital this past Monday. Two brain aneurisms. That's not exactly something you see every day in your family. One of the aneurisms is 4 cm. long. It's nothing light, it's pretty major, both my older brother and I were called home. Family and friends have flown and driven in from all over the United States and elsewhere. And that is good, but it's hard, it shows just how serious this all is.

I feel dissociated from it all, like I can't really fully be here, if I am I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it. My body just feels like it's floating somewhat. I want to run, but I want to stay as close to my brother as possible. I want to be comforted by friends and at the same time want to be completely by myself, with maybe just my Bible for comfort. There's so many different emotions, so much to sift through, it's hard, overwhelming. How will we get through?

I lift my eyes up, up to the mountains, where does my help come from? My help comes from You, Maker of Heaven, Creator of the earth. Oh how I need You Lord, You are my only Hope, You are my only Prayer. So I will wait for You to come and rescue me, to come and give me Life.

"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."

- Isaiah 40:28-31

Truth heals. Don't you think so? The truth of what is, what was, and what will be, it's healing for the soul and a comfort beyond words. The Lord's peace, what greater thing is there on this earth other than His Love? What greatness, what awesomeness, what power!

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 4:4-7

If you wouldn't mind being in prayer for my brother I would deeply appreciate it, the link to his blog and updates on him is on this page, called "Praying Him Through." Praise Him, and God bless.